21st-century zodiac placemat
Rat: Most compatible with Dragons and somebody else’s cocaine
What, no Honey Badger ?
Every year around this prison term, I think spinal column to the paper placemats at the chinese restaurant I went to as a pull the leg of. You credibly know the ones I mean, with the signs of the zodiac printed on. I guess 2020 is a “ informer ” year, which is cool because I am besides a rat-person ( 1984 ), although that sounds not raw flattering, being a rat-person. I constantly wanted to be a dragon, but if wishes were horses, as they say. Anyways, what do you think the zodiac placemat would look like if it were designed by 21st-century hipsters ?
Reading: 21st-century zodiac placemat
— A. Mill, City Heights
entrepreneurial and visionary, Rats dream up billion-dollar business ventures ( “ Let ’ s make Uber, but for dogs ! ” ) while drunk, all of which are normally forgotten by the time the hangover wears off. Most compatible with Dragons and person else ’ mho cocaine ; debar Horses .
Loyal and hard ; even when all your friends are eating gluten again, you remain true to cauliflower pizza crust. Marry a Snake. Sheep will bring disturb with their love of pale yellow .
tiger people are medium, blunt, and constantly in possession of at least three partially finished modern novels or chapbooks of non-heteronormative poetry. Horses and Dogs make fantastic life-partners with whom they can synthesize a new, non-patronymic name. Monkey always assumes their gender .
rabbit is the nicest person you know. We all put up with Rabbit ’ s hapless charm, because Rabbit ’ s just good peeps. Likes everyone, even Rooster ( although Rooster hasn ’ thyroxine got time for Rabbit ’ second crap. )
Dragon ’ s a blasted Dragon. Everybody wants to be Dragon and cipher knows why — not even Dragon. Forms a symbiotic relationship with Monkey ; irritates Dog .
Wise, comfortable, and aphrodisiac AF, Snakes never seem to buy their own drinks in the bar, and they know everybody without anybody truly knowing them. Gets along amazingly well with the Ox and Rabbit ; but can ’ thyroxine stand the holier-than-thou-art Pig .
Needy, basic, pumpkin spiciness latte-drinker who spends supernumerary time at the gymnasium honing an already biologically gifted physique. not certain what Horse sees in Dog, but it seems to work for them. Rat has excessively many large ideas .
enigmatic and creative, Sheep prefer their cautiously cultured sourdough starters and kombucha SCOBYs to the company of humans. friendly with Boars and Rabbits ; contemptuous of the Ox .
Ten out of ten-spot monkeys are enthusiastic technical school bros who are already planning future class ’ mho trip to Burning Man in the company ’ s air-conditioned, amply provisioned RV. A rotter might be fair the person to take to Coachella following year. Tigers are besides SJW for you, bro. You ’ rhenium wake, but not that awaken .
diligent and hardworking, Rooster built an urban chicken cage with hand-carved mortise-and-tenon construction while the rest of you animals sat around the brunch table rehashing how a lot you drank last night. Has a soft blot for the Snake and Ox, but ain ’ thymine cipher got time for Rabbit .
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Dog has excessively much body hair and won ’ deoxythymidine monophosphate shut up about craft beer. In a long-run relationship ( in which the arouse long since sputtered out ) with a Tiger or Horse after having been burned by a Dragon .
noble, uncompromising, and fair-trade everything. Known to irritate people with rants about the project costs of 21st-century consumer polish. Bernie 2020. Thinks the Snake is a bourgeois shill ; but admires the Sheep and the Rabbit for their genuineness .